I wish I was younger again. My friend Mike and I just found some old videos that we made when we were younger. We made them in elementary school... when things were still genuinely free. Yeah, there was the occasional drama on the playground, but some things never really change. We're still children, we're always going to be children; ignorant, care-free, wanting to learn.
Mike and I have tried finding this particular video for years. Tonight, we happened to find it. By chance... or maybe not. Everything happens for a reason I guess. That video symbolizes our friendship in so many ways, and it almost felt like irony that we happened to actually find the video in the first place. It was a coincidence. We both wanted it to happen but did not go out of our way to find it, consciously at least.
"Red Eye"
We were so original that some big-time producer thought of the same name for a movie they made, and named it that. But after the fact of making the video, a few years after I think. Which means.. we're more original than the big-time producers, we thought of the idea first. Making videos was a creative outlet for us, to be ourselves while being with others, while creating something.
Of course, at the time of making this video, we didn't think it was that important. We were probably just bored, but it evolved into something so beautiful. Boredom can be beautiful.. one can only be bored if they choose to be. You can also choose to be occupied. Both boredom and occupation work, to be bored or to be occupied is a choice. One can choose to create something beautiful just for the fuck of it, or one can choose to deny that opportunity.
Ugh. Opportunity is everywhere.. it takes so much energy but it just keeps coming back to me, keeps filling me, helping me remember. I need to remember. Frendship helps me remember.
In elementary school, all the kids were united. Even the teachers and guidance counselors. Our roles were clearly defined and we followed them blindly: certain rules come with assuming a role (by default). Rules aren't stupid. Rebellion against rules that are legitimate and necessary is stupid, and it's lazy. It takes self-control to accept the inevitabilities of life. It takes BIG FUCKING BALLS to accept 'em & embrace 'em. It may seem simple but that's the point.
When I compare my current school life now to the way I experienced school when I was a young buck, I feel trapped. Trapped in every essense of the word... me and Mike literally got trapped inside my living room. There's no doorknob.. one of us shut the door I guess, I don't remember who but that's not really important anyway.
We were trapped but there were ways out: I could open the window & crawl through it, then go to the front of my house, open the door, go inside, only to find that door doesn't open any easier on the other side.
I also could've found some sort of tool that may have been in my living room at the time, like a screw driver or something but no matter how many solutions seemed to come to mind, I didn't want to pursue them personally. I wanted freedom to happen on it's own, when it decided to.
I didn't want to intervene with literally being trapped... and to top it all off, I was with Mike. The video moved both of us equally and mutually.
To be on the same level with another is really refreshing, especially when it's genuine, pure. Innocence is pure, to be young is pure. To be innocent, yet still an artist is pure. To have a voice but also have a heart is pure. To be able to share myself with another so effortlessly, and have them share themselves with me is pure. It's simple. Simple things are important, right off the bat they're more complex.
When someone or something demands complexity, it's invasive. It's an assumption. People want to make a choice, people don't want to agree. People want to speak their opinion even and especially if it's opposing something and/or someone. I do atleast.
Who's to say one voice holds any less power than another?
Who's to say that fate exists? The natural flow of things says is loud and clear, I can hear it.. almost. The way things occur without intervening, or just intervening as little as possible. There is some sort of continuity to life.. it can be manipulated.
Manipulation can be used on either sides of the spectrum: maliciousness and selflessness. What is selfishness anyway? People are born alone, and die alone. It only makes sense to do what's best for oneself at all times, it's not selfish. Genuine love proves selflessness. I don't want to manipulate but it happens whether I want it to or not. Manipulation through love shouldn't be considered manipulation at all. Love is selfish. Love re-creates me, continually, even when my loved one's physical presense is not graced with mine.
It is still there perpetually, as he is. I can feel it, everywhere: MIND, BODY, AND SOUL. It's not just another coincidence, it's fucking real. REAL. It is something that exists even through denial, through the usual patterns. It is something that exists, with or without my control. Life has a life of it's own, I'm tuning into it. It's real. Really fucking real. I really want to convert that video into a DVD so I can post it. Even if someone doesn't completely understand WHY the film was made, or WHY they are watching it, they could still get something out of it. I believe that things such as videos and blogs and notes and pictures are things that every human person can experience, therefore PERSONALLY experience. It means a lot to me, it symbolizes childhood.
I feel like I'm finally really getting through to people, its really fucking refreshing. I feel like my life is not only just "living", it is creating.
Consistent creation
"Just do the next right thing." I've been told this since I was young by the people closest to me, and my family taught me to go by that rule.
My family has embedded certain rules onto my palms and knees in which I cannot seem to forget, or rebel. I don't wanna rebel anymore, I want to cope.
A wrongly accused righteous man; my blood. Could water be thicker than blood?
Has the blood been soiled? Rotting through my cells,
but who should I be angry at? I'll take blame one more fucking time, if that's what it takes.
If that'll break the cycle, eventually
He didn't even teach me how to ride a Bicycle, he brought me to the dollar store on my birthday.
It's the thought that counts, right?
Blood boiling, I've been nothing but a loyal friend, a juror taking notes.
What else is there to be?
I couldn't understand it if I tried, and believe me I have. It's all I ever do, really. It's the motivation to create anything, really. To seek truth.
Maybe I'll go to the dollar store this year for my birthday and just splurge, on all the simple things.
What else do I need anyway? I have my
MIND, BODY AND SOUL
Isn't that enough?
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